English Lessons for Germans !

Falls du auch täglich Kontakt zu ausländischen Kunden hast, weißt du, wie wichtig die englische Sprache sein kann. Deshalb hier ein paar Hilfestellungen, um gleich Eindruck zu schinden:

Um internationalen Erfolg zu haben bedarf es grundlegender englischer Sprachkenntnisse. Für den Alltag reichen jedoch folgende Ausdrucksweisen vollkommen:

• That have you you so thought! (Das hast du dir so gedacht!)
• Give not so on! (Gib nicht so an!)
• Heaven, ass and thread! (Himmel, Arsch und Zwirn!)
• Mealtime (Mahlzeit)
• Of again see (Auf Wiedersehen)
• Us runs the water in the mouth together. (Uns läuft das Wasser im Mund zusammen.)
• Human being Meier! (Mensch Meier!)
• I only understand railstation... (Ich versteh' nur Bahnhof...)
• My dear Mister singing-club! (Mein lieber Herr Gesangsverein!)
• Now we sit quite beautiful in the inc... (Jetzt sitzen wir ganz schön in der Tinte...)
• Your English is under all pig! (Dein Englisch ist unter aller Sau!)
• Slow going is all truck's beginning. (Müßiggang ist aller Laster Anfang.)
• Now can come what wants. (Nun kann kommen was will.)
• to have a jump in the dish (einen Sprung in der Schüssel haben)
• to have much wood before the cottage (viel Holz vor der Hütte haben)
• to have not all cups in the cupboard (nicht alle Tassen im Schrank haben)
• together-hang-less (zusammenhanglos)
• if you think, you can beat me over the ear, you are on the woodway (wenn du denkst, du kannst mich übers Ohr hauen, bist du auf dem Holzweg)
• I'm heavy on wire (ich bin schwer auf Draht)

Natürlich sollte man auch die schönen Orte Deutschlands immer parat haben:

• Ass-monkey-castle (Aschaffenburg)
• Sticktown (Stockstadt)
• Main-ass-monkey (Mainaschaff)
• Bathroom-rich-echo (Bad Reichenhall)
• Double-u-upper-valley (Wuppertal)
• How's bathing (Wiesbaden)
• Raw-stick (Rostock)
• Rectal-town (Darmstadt)
• Spice-castle (Würzburg)
• Theremouth (Dortmund)
• To-Sitdown-home (Hockenheim)
• Top-of-the-train (Zugspitze)

Husky Trial - South Africa

In February, two South African citizes held down a 4 month old Husky Puppy and Chainsawed it's head off! A brutal and violent act against a defenseless, beautiful little creature.

Petitions had been circulated and signed by 100 000 individuals, forwarded and presented to the courts, in an attempt to give those two "bastards" the MAXIMUM SENTENCE POSSIBLE for their crime.

Yesterday, the sentence was passed - and here is the outcome (copied directly from a local newspaper article) :

PRETORIA – A man who cut off the head of his young Husky dog with a chainsaw was sentenced to a R10,000 fine or 12 months’ imprisonment, suspended for five years, by the Delmas Magistrate’s Court on Tuesday.
Phillip Matthysen was sentenced after pleading guilty of criminal charges relating to the Animal protection Act, the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (NSPCA) said.
He was also ordered to pay R5,000 to the Springs Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.
Charges against co-accused Alec Serate were withdrawn.
Although Matthysen was allowed to keep his other dogs, the court ruled that he may never own a husky again.
“That the case was treated with extreme seriousness from start to finish is a shining example of how our law enforcement officers and our judicial system can work,” Christine Kuch of the NSPCA said.
In February Matthysen sawed the dog’s head off because it had eaten his Macaw parrot. –Sapa

Sick, sick, sick - As far as I am concerned, they should have tarred, feathered, and castrated the S.O.B.s !! An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth ! But NOOOOOOO -- he is even allowed to keep his other dogs!! Why don't we just give him a medal......

Only goes to show that man's laws are far too lax - and that mankind only respects "human life" (and even that is questionable) - and not the life of every single creature on this planet.

People, who believe that only MAN has an immortal sole, are DELUSIONAL (in my opinion anyway).

I am livid, I am fuming, I am angry!

Phew - ok - now I have vented my anger and disgust - cleared my head - and I now know exactly what needs to be done...........

Have a good day everybody, and remember : Love yourself, Love Life - and every creature that is part of it !

20 Ways to maintain a healthy Level of Insanity !

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the Intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask "Do you want fries with that?".
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In".
5. Put Decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their Caffeine Addictions, switch to Espresso.
6. In the Memo Field of all your cheques , write "For Smuggling Diamonds".
7. Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify that your Drive-through order is "To Go".
12. Sing along at the Opera.
13. Go to a Poetry Recital and ask why the Poems don't rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Bottom".
17. When the money comes out the ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives! They're loose!"
19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity... Send this to someone who needs therapy.

Julie Andrews Special

To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1st, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music".

Here are the lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up with strings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food, or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is 'thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes . . and repeated encores.)

International Yoga

As some of you may know, for the last 30 years (every morning from 3-5am) I have been using certain Yoga Postures to get into Meditation. This is my daily ritual and most certainly a way of life for me. It allows me to connect and meditate.

These yoga postures (and not all of them are knots) are sometimes very difficult to do, and require years of dedication and persistence, to master.

Here you can see a picture of a person in the Asanas position, by utilizing props (in this case a wooden bench).

The ancient yogis used logs of wood, stones and ropes to help them practice Asanas effectively. Extending this principle, Yogacharya Iyengar invented props which allow Asanas to be held easily and for a longer duration, without strain.





























It has come to my attention, that the "Irish" have come up with their own, unique Asanas Yoga Position. It requires extreme concentration, flexibility, focus and dedication - and a broken chair as a prop.

Adventure at Pilanesberg Game Reserve

Last year, I was given the opportunity to spend a long weekend at the Sun City Vacation Club from 16 -19 June. I asked my special friend Paula to come and join me – and she agreed (even though she was on Standby that weekend).

We arrived at the Sun City Vacation Club on Friday 16th June 2006 late afternoon, proceeded to the Reception area, received our keys and drove the winding roads towards the parking area closest to our unit. Then we schlepped our suitcases, water bottles, camera equipment and groceries from the car, down a few flights of steep stairs and along a mile-long passage to our Accommodation unit. We immediately set out to unpack and make ourselves at home.

We were quite tired from the journey and schlepping, so we decided to have something to eat, and then sat outside on the patio sipping Pancake liqueur and eating Pistachio Nuts.

Thereafter we sat in front of the TV chatting, watching, drifting in and out of sleep, and at about 11pm decided to call it a day, and retire to our respective bedrooms.

We woke bright and early on Saturday morning (09h00) and made the decision to venture into the Pilanesberg National Park for the day – hoping that we might get a glimpse of the Big 5 – and of course take a couple of picture to take back with us.

We packed a snack box, camera equipment and a little drinking water into my 1994 Mercedes Benz E280 Automatic, and set off towards the Game Reserve. (10h00)

Initially we were trying to get our bearings, and once this was achieved, we drove around like champions, stopping at the occasional pan to observe the bird and wildlife (11h00).

About 2 hours into the park (13h00), I noticed a little orange light flashing on my dashboard (radiator light) and saw that the temperature had sky-rocketed into the RED area. OH DEAR! We were about an hour or more from the nearest gate!

We drove on (slowly) and stopped the car inside a minor traffic jam – and witnessed a great, huge, big, lone Elephant Bull approaching from the right, walking onto the road (completely unperturbed) and minutes later veering to the left and into the veld (14h00). While this was happening, Paula (camera at the ready) opened the car window, sat herself down on the window frame (half inside, half outside the car) and took pictures.

After this exciting event, we continued to drive (slowly) in the direction of the nearest Pan / Restroom, in an attempt to find out what was wrong with my car – which at that stage, was already making funny noises.

We arrived at a watering hole (14h30), where a large herd of female elephants and their young were drinking (this was probably the area the elephant bull was heading for). I turned off the car, and once again Paula used the opportunity to snap a few beautiful pictures of these magnificent creatures.

15 minutes later (14h45), I started the car again (with great difficulty this time) and slowly drove on – in the general direction of “civilization”. After a few minutes Paula noticed a Rhino lying in the veld, about 10 meters from the roadside, and that is when it happened : all the lights in the car went on, steam was coming out of the bonnet and the car stopped dead in its tracks – in the middle of the Pilanesberg Game Reserve!!! OH BLISS! The time was 15h00.

We immediately exited the car (about 100 meters from the Rhino), opened the bonnet to see what the problem might be! The first thing we noticed, was that the pipes leading to and from the radiator were flat as pancakes, and a bubbling and hissing noise came from the Radiator Bottle Cap! I took a rag, and this bottle cap simply lifted off, and was not even screwed in place! (Silently I cursed the petrol attendant in Johannesburg, who filled up my car and checked my oil and water – and who obviously had not put the cap back on properly).

So now what?? We needed water urgently. As we were still contemplating what to do, I noticed 2 Giraffes to our right, and another Giraffe to our left – heading toward the other two – OK – obviously daddy joining mommy and the kid – Paula snapped a few pics.

Right, stuck in the middle of a game reserve in winter, the bushgrass high and yellowy (very difficult to see the lions) we needed water, and soon, in an attempt to fill up the radiator.

Over the next 15 minutes, just about every car stopped - the passengers asking us what the problem was, and offering us bottles of their Valpre Drinking Water, which we accepted with gratitude. Right - we were still stranded in the middle of the Reserve, but now we had about 6 liters of drinking water! Another car stopped right behind ours, and three gents and a lady stepped out of the car (sorry, but I cannot for the life of me remember any of their names). They enquired as to what the problem might be, and we explained it to them! One of the chaps (a) asked me to try start the car (to get the motor running) as he wanted to pour some water into the radiator – this he did, but as soon as the water was in - it came bubbling out again! Obviously it was so over-heated, that the water he poured in immediately began to boil and bubble back out!

(15h30) We all decided that it was a little dangerous to stand in the middle of a game reserve, and they asked us to (slowly) follow them towards the nearest exit gate. We drove a little further, and the car cut out again. (a) asked us to open the bonnet one more time – he removed the bottle cap and clumsily dropped it – and it landed up somewhere inside the engine – it certainly did not fall right through, we would have seen it under the car.

Right – overheated car, too hot to fill up with water, lost bottle cap – and the Game Reserve Gates close for the night at 18h00! Now what?? Paula decided to get on the phone and call the AA for assistance. Unfortunately the AA was only able to send us a towing vehicle (not a breakdown vehicle) and we would have to meet this Towing Vehicle at the nearest gate, as they were not allowed to access the Reserve.

After numerous attempts at getting to the misplaced bottle cap (somewhere inside the engine compartment) and finally getting some of the water to stay in the radiator, our helpers thought it be best if they head towards home – gave us their cellphone number – and asked us to call them if we needed assistance in any way!

(15h45) After a few more minutes, we started the car again (this time with a little water in the radiator), and drove a little further. I was swerving the car from left to right in an attempt to dislodge the bottle cap – but alas, it did not work.

Now we were parked on the RHS of the road (facing traffic) very, very close to the tall bushgrass – and I did not feel to comfortable with this scenario (lion bait).

Again we started the car and drove a little further – we repeated this process another 5-6 times and within half an hour were within sight of a GATE. Yipppeeeee.

The Security Guards at the gate were kind enough to give us a coat hanger, and one of the guards actually managed to SEE the bottle cap lying somewhere on the pan underneath the motor. VOILA – after 15 minutes of prodding and poking, he was able to lift the bottle cap to light (with a fat grin on his face). AHA – now we are getting somewhere!

Next, we filled up the radiator and bottle with cold water, put the cap back on and drove the car to the outside of the gate, where we were supposed to wait for the towing vehicle.

(16h00) Two minutes later, a towing vehicle (flatbed) arrived with a Toyota Tazz on top of it – swerved to a halt, took the Tazz off the flatbed, and motioned us to drive the Merc into position for loading. Once loaded Paula and I joined the driver in the Flatbed’s cockpit, and the assistant tied the Toyota Tazz to the rear of the flatbed with a ROPE, got in, hooted and off we went. We explained to the Driver what had happened, and (in his opinion) I required a new hose for my radiator – he even offered to get in touch with Mercedes in Rustenburg the following day, to send a service vehicle.

We asked the driver of the Flatbed to please take us back to the Sun City Vacation Club which was about 20 kms away. In order to get there we had to drive through tiny villages, the roads were lined with shacks and homes on either side, animals grazing on the road side – very COOL.

A few times the rope snapped and we lost the Tazz with it’s occupant behind us – then stopping the truck, reattaching the Tazz and continuing on our merry way. The speed limit in this little rural township was 50kms/hr, however our driver was speeding along at over 80kms/hr, when both Paula and I saw a large herd of goats a few hundred meters ahead walking in the middle of the road. Our driver did not slow down. “There are goats in the road ahead of us” we said – and he accelerated and just smiled. “Please slow down” we shouted, but he kept his foot on the accelerator pedal and headed straight for them. Now they were 50 m away from us and we were heading straight for them at 100kms/hr.

I put my hands in front of my eyes and screeched and I think Paula did the same – waiting for the inevitable thud, indicating that we had hit the animals, but it never came!! After about a minute I opened my eyes, looked back, and saw that the herd of goats was unscathed grazing on the side of the road. Paula and I looked at each other, still in shock – and then looked at our driver, who was ROFLOL.

10 minutes later we arrived at the Vacation Club and off-loaded the Merc in its parking space. I paid them for their services and they left. (17h00)

Exhausted, Paula and I arrived at the Accommodation unit, made something to eat and collapsed into our beds (still giggling about the incident with the goats on the road).

The following morning, after breakfast, Paula needed to head off to the office (as she was on standby and there was a problem). After bidding her farewell, I decided that it was time to have a look at my car. I took a 5 liter bottle of water and some anti-freeze to the parking bay, opened the bonnet, opened the cap, and filled it with anti-freeze and a little water until the Maximum Line on the Radiator Bottle was reached. I closed the cap tightly, got into the car and drove around the Sun City grounds in an attempt to heat up the engine, and to see if there was any water leaking from any of the hoses connected to the radiator. After a 2 hour drive, I parked my car in its parking bay, opened the bonnet – and all was well – no leaks.

So – this meant that the entire breakdown and adventure inside the Pilanesberg Game Reserve was due to a lax Petrol Attendant who did not screw the Radiator Bottle Cap back on, after checking the oil and water in my car – in Johannesburg!!

Believe me folks, this was a weekend I shall certainly NEVER forget – exciting, adventurous, scary – yet quite funny in its own way! I am sure that Paula would agree with me.

Sages' Way

At times I almost dream …..
I too have spent a life the Sages’ way,
And tread once more familiar paths.

Per chance I have perished in an arrogant self-reliance
An age ago, and in that act a prayer for one more chance
Went up so earnest, so …….

Instinct with better light let in by death
That life was blotted out not so completely,
But scattered wrecks enough to retain dim memories,
As now, when seems once more,
The goal in sight again!